Insane, that is.
Being a mom has tough moments. When Robby was two weeks old and wouldn't stop crying, I thought " I can't do this. How do people do this? Will I ever be confident that I'm doing the right thing? " It turned out that he was just hungry. I fed him more, and he ate more... and he was happy.
When Mila had sleepless night after sleepless night, and was on her dozenth hour of crying, I though " This is too hard. I didn't sign up for this. "
When she was diagnosed with a heart defect, I didn't think at all. I just ... did. I don't remember how or what or really even how I felt about things until they rolled her out from the OR after her surgery. I burst into tears then, thinking " Its over. The nightmare is over. "
When she didn't get better, I thought " We'll get past this. We will find a way to help her. " And we did the best we could.
When Mila's Chiari Malformation was diagnosed, the surgeon told us that he recommended we try to fix the problem but that there was no guarantee. I agonized, privately, over the need for surgery. Surgery hurts. Mila had hurt so much already. But I thought " If there is a possibility of this helping her, we have to try. "
We went - the entire family - to the pediatrician a few days ago. Robby is healthy as a horse, in the 75th percentile for height and weight. He's an amazing kiddo, reasoning with the doctore and maturely waiting his turn. Even the pediatrician said that he's quite the kiddo.
Shayla is fabulous. She eats, she sleeps, she grows. No heart murmer. Nothing of any concern. She's an easy baby, and I hope ( oh, how I hope ) that she stays that way.
The pediatrician looked at Mila. He looked at Alex. He looked at me. She's doing... exactly as a two year old can be expected. Her weight is stabilized. Her personality is sparkly, glittery, happy... and defiantly two years old. She's eating orally, though still somewhat bottle dependant. She hasn't had tube feedings in nearly two months. She's sleeping through the night. There are no more nights of " Ow! Ow! Ow! " at 3am.
There was talk of weaning meds. There was talk of moving her meds to oral instead of through the tube. There was talk of removing her tube.... and I laughed. Mila won't take her meds orally. They are nasty, she's averse, she's two. We may have the tube forever just for meds, and Alex and I were totally okay with that.
Mila is on day 2 of taking all of her meds orally.
And I'm thinking Holy Crap. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel.